October 12, 2004

~ZING~

Republican Dozens.
BY DAVID JASPER


"Your mother's SUV is so old, it takes four gallons to go around the mansion."

"Your mother is so easy, she'd give any Green Party candidate's war chest a heaping big donation, if you get my drift."

"Your father is so poor, he has to borrow from loan sharks, who, I remind you, are not members FDIC."

"Your sister is so skinny, she'd make a great sundial—if only she were strong enough to stand and I didn't already own a Rolex."

"Your brother is so sexually confused, he's thinking of going bipartisan."

"You flip-flop so much, I'd swear you were a pair of sandals."

"You're so unpatriotic, you once asked a question pertaining to the president."

"Your father tried to dodge the draft and ended up with a cold. And then he enlisted anyway, for the free health care."

"You're so dumb, you worried the leisure class would have a test."

"Your house is so small, it has just a two-car garage."

"Your mother's shoes are sensible—in the bad sense, like socialism."

"You're so stupid, you saw a doctor after being accused of conspicuous consumption."

"Your family is not truly blue-blooded, more an aquamarine color."

"You tried to get into an Ivy League school and got poison ivy instead."

"Your fraternity is so ghetto it's located not in a student ghetto, but a real one, with ethnics and everything."

"You're so stupid, you tried out for the NBA—and wound up with an MBA."

"Your mother is such a bleeding heart, she once signed a petition."

"Your country club is so cheap, it's outsourcing to India."

"Your lawyer chases dogs."

"Liberal."

"Frenchman."